Blood Brothers
by Kimmimaru
Summary: It started in a compartment on the Hogwarts express in 1971, two boys met and with a smile they began speaking. The two boys, both alike and unlike, with the same ebony hair and shared blood running through their veins, became fast friends. JP/SB SLASH!


**A/N: Hi, another James/Sirius fic! Its pretty long for a one shot really but I LOVED writing it! I only hope that you could do me the honour of giving me some feedback? It would be much appreciated, thank you.**

**Now, this is something that came from an idea from one of my Sirius/Remus fics called Let Love In, its probably one of my best and so I stole a particular scene from it and turned it into a James/Sirius fic. :D Hope you like!**

_**The Beatles:  
><strong>__Who knows how long I've loved you,  
>You know I love you still.<br>Will I wait a lonely lifetime?  
>If you want me to I will.<em>

Blood Brothers

It started in a compartment on the Hogwarts express in 1971, two boys met and with a smile they began speaking. The two boys, both alike and unlike, with the same ebony hair and shared blood running through their veins, became fast friends. The odds, however, were stacked against them, Sirius Black was from a family steeped in history, tradition and blood purity were put before love and family, whereas James Potter was from a home where love was first and foremost in everything. Sirius Black did not understand the word Love, he knew the dictionary meaning, of course, but he seemed eternally unable to completely grasp the concept behind it. His mother had rules. Strict rules, designed for control and obedience, two things Sirius Black wasn't so good at. James Potter was brought up by parents who doted on him, if he wanted something, he got it, if he cried he would be embraced by warm arms and comforted by tender whispers, if he suffered he had his family to fall back on. Sirius Black was beaten when he dared show weakness before his parents, he was screamed at, shouted at, treated with disdain...and it was all he knew.

Somehow the two boys, so different yet so similar, were sorted into the same house when they reached school, Sirius was afraid...of course, he had never meant to betray this rigorous family tradition, but he didn't want to be in Slytherin, because it was a house associated with darkness...and he, although he would never admit it, was afraid of the dark. He hadn't expected to be placed in the 'wrong' house and when he was he sat, head bowed as he gazed intently at the table, feeling the glares from the Green and Silver table behind him, boring into his back like hot wire. When he was joined by a small, slightly scruffy looking boy with dark brown eyes and wavy brown hair he didn't look up, he was too afraid to see the shocked gazes of the families who knew him, families he was distantly related to...because everyone knew the Blacks, they were infamous.

James Potter was sorted into Gryffindor, just as he had predicted on the train, he strode confidently down the aisle, bowing to the applause and gaining some chuckles. He paused beside Sirius, turning to the boy who had sat at his side. "Shove over there." He said with a friendly grin, the boy looked slightly surprised before nodding and moving further down the bench. "Thanks. James Potter, what's your name?"

"Oh...um...Remus...Remus John Lupin." The boy gave him a nervous smile, shaking his hand quickly.

"This is Sirius Black," James leaned closer, across Black as he whispered to Lupin. "Don't let the name fool ya, he's alright really."

Sirius blinked, looking up at James through long hair. "I am?" He asked softly, silver eyes sparkling beneath the candle light.

"Of course you are! We're mates right?"

Sirius smiled, a bright, wondrous thing that made James return it. "Yes, I suppose we are." He replied. Their eyes met and it was as if an electrical current shot between them, as if this was simply destiny and no other power in the world could destroy this bond.

In the Dormitory Sirius began unpacking, slowly and meticulously folding his clothes and placing them neatly inside his draws, James simply threw them inside, hardly even glancing at what he was putting where. The door opened and both boys looked up as their new Dorm mates entered, Lupin took the bed against the wall, opening his trunk and pulling out books which he placed on his side table, while the last boy, a small, round little thing with a head full of thin mousy hair and watery blue eyes gazed nervously around. James spotted him, straightened and made a beeline for him, robes sweeping out behind him majestically. He extended his hand. "Hullo, James Potter! You are?"

"P-Peter Pettigrew." The boy squeaked, shaking James' hand.

"I say, you have a handshake as limp as a wet flannel!" James laughed, a sound that made Sirius jump slightly as he was leaning inside his trunk, it was black, with sterling silver clasps and his initials engraved in elaborate script on the side. Peter flushed, his eyes moving to Sirius who was watching him with his head cocked to one side, his expression oddly thoughtful.

"Sirius Black." He said as he stood slowly, every movement as elegant and well coordinated as a prince, his smile was small and his hand shake brief, Peter didn't miss the fact that Sirius actually wiped his hand on his robes after touching him. "I suppose this means we will all be sharing this Dormitory for seven years..." He said sitting down on his bed and watching them from heavily lidded, shockingly silver eyes.

"Brilliant!" James said suddenly, clapping his hands together. "We should all take this chance to get to know each other better!" He pulled Sirius up from his bed and pushed him to the floor before pulling the other two over.

"Really? Must we do this right now? I have to unpack..." Lupin muttered.

"Of course we have to do this right now!" James said, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Now then, we each take it in turns to tell each other something about ourselves! I'll start!" He cleared his throat. "I love Quidditch." He said with a grin before turning to Sirius.

Sirius considered very carefully before speaking. "I...I can play the piano." He said blinking at the others who looked impressed.

Peter went next, chewing his nail while he rocked back and forth slightly. "Oh! Um...I-I wanted to go live on the moon when I was older...because it was made of cheese."

James burst into laughter, tipping his head back. "That's good!" He wheezed after a while, clapping his hand on Peter's shoulder. "What are you, a rat?" Peter flushed but looked pleased with himself.

Lupin looked scared when they turned to him and he swallowed, looking down at his hands as they twisted in his robes. "Well...I guess...My mum's a baker." He said his brown eyes flicking upwards to scan their faces.

"Brilliant! Does that mean we'll get free cakes?" James asked, beaming.

"Your mother is...a Muggle?" Sirius asked, his eyes widening slightly as he scanned Remus' face.

"Well, she's muggle born, yes...but she came here and now she's a witch." Lupin looked slightly perturbed by the intensity of Sirius' stare, those silver eyes seemed suddenly cold and distant and a tiny, almost imperceptible sneer crossed his face before it vanished.

"Merlin, Sirius! Who cares?" James said with wide eyes, they looked golden-green under the candles in the room.

Sirius looked away from them. "No...I..." He shook his head, sighing heavily. "It really doesn't matter, Potter." He said.

James shrugged. "Ok...my turn again..." They took it in turns to speak, telling each other tiny little facts and slowly learning more about each other. As time drew on, Lupin was leaning against the bed, eyes slowly falling closed as sleep dragged him down into blackness. Sirius watched him for a while as he fell asleep, James lay back, arms behind his head as he talked almost non-stop about himself. Peter listened with rapt attention. And as Sirius moved his eyes from Lupin to James he found himself unable to look away, and yet he felt that if he kept staring he would be blinded...because James was brighter than the sun. He had an internal luminescence that took Sirius' breath away, leaving him with nothing more than an after image when he dared close his eyes.

Sirius proved himself to be adept at just about every single lesson they had, he was a brilliant student, his mind as bright as his eyes. James was just as good, intelligent but with a streak of mischief that bordered on mean. Together they went from lesson to lesson, Sirius allowing himself to absorb James' light and take some of it for himself. He began to smile more, a small smile at first but slowly growing bigger and when he laughed it was a sharp bark that startled many passersby. Remus found himself being dragged around with them, for the first few days of school he walked around with a kind of bemused confusion on his face but soon the expression was washed away to uncover a smile of happiness. Peter tagged after the three, following them and gazing at them with awed respect, he was impressed by James' confidence, his utter self assurance and his obvious power. He was fascinated by Sirius' quiet arrogance, the cold eyes that seemed to be hiding some deep seated darkness. He liked Remus' soft, gentle manner, his big brown eyes full of innocent confusion when he realised James had dragged him into this random group of mismatched people.

It was soon very apparent who James seemed most attached to, everyone saw how he and Sirius were like magnets. They became friends easily, slipping into the roles as if they had been born for each other, the teachers were shocked at the pair, after seeing yet another Black on the school lists they had made assumptions but now a Black was hanging around with a Potter...one of the most well known Bloodtraitor families in Wizarding Britain.

Sirius found himself sitting up at night, the bed curtains closed and a pillow hugged to his chest as he spoke quietly to James who sat opposite. They spoke in whispers as the wind howled around the castle like a gale, screaming and trying to bring its bitter chill into their little sacred space...but it was impenetrable.

Some things were inevitable, and Sirius Black had long accepted this simple fact of life. And so, when the small, timid Hufflepuff approached him one day he was unable to stop the sickness engulfing him...the boy was only asking to borrow a quill so he could send a quick note to his mother...but something terrible rose up inside Sirius as he recognised the boy to be a muggle born. A sneer crossed his face and he gazed at the other boy with disdain, making him flinch away. Peter watched this from the shadows, just as James came striding out of the Great Hall. "Get your filthy hands off of me, Mudblood." Sirius hissed, yanking the sleeve of his robes out the of the small boys fingers. "Do you even know who it is you are touching so familiarly?"

The Hufflepuff backed off quickly. "I-I'm sorry...I..."

"Go back where you came from." Sirius turned his back, robes swirling around his feet as he strode away.

As he reached the marble stair case he heard his name shouted and he turned, only to find pain erupt in his face. He fell backwards with a gasp, clutching his face and looking up through a messy fringe at James. James' face was twisted in anger. "I thought you were alright! What the hell was that?"

"J-James I..." Sirius gazed up at his new friend, seeing the anger there. "I don't understand!" He muttered, wiping a bit of blood from his lip absently as he climbed to his feet.

"What?" James raised an eyebrow.

"I don't understand...what did I do?" He asked, eyes wide and confused.

"You...just called some kid a-a..." James' frowned deepened. "You really have no idea what you did, do you?" When Sirius shook his head James sighed, putting his arm around his shoulders and guiding him up the stairs. "You don't go around calling people a you-know-what! It's just...mean."

"It is? But that's what they are, James. They're not pure...not like us." He looked sideways at James who saw a darkening bruise forming on his pale skin. "You're very odd." Sirius said suddenly, coming to halt and looking at James curiously, his eyes sliding up and down him slowly. "You're pureblood, you should be acting like it...but...you don't. You talk to everyone as if they're equal and...well, it confuses me."

James chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully. "Why? I mean...surely everyone is equal...unless they're Slytherin, then they are the exception." He smirked. "But I don't understand why you think it's ok to say stuff like that."

Sirius cocked his head to the side, making him look like a beaten puppy. "My Mother tells me it's how we're supposed to act. She tells me that because we've got pure blood, we should be better than everyone else..."

James gave him a pitying look before shaking his head, he put his arm back around Sirius' shoulders and began moving him back up towards the Dormitory, speaking softly all the way about how only Dark Wizards and Slytherin's made those kinds of distinctions. He explained it all calmly, and Sirius listened with a small frown as they walked. He tried to understand...he tried to make James like him, because he liked James. But, he still couldn't shake the confusion that filled him, he wasn't sure who was right or wrong...he had no idea what he was supposed to believe and it confused him so badly he went to bed that evening with a headache.

James was special in a way he would never understand. As the year drew on Sirius found himself hardly able to stop watching him, whether he was bouncing on his bed Christmas morning with a massive stack of presents at the foot of his bed, or whether it was how he gazed longingly up at the sky when they went to watch Quidditch together. James was bright, like a giant Lumos, he illuminated everything and everyone around him, making them beautiful in his reflected light. Sometimes it hurt Sirius to be too near him, other times he wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch that intense sun, even if it meant he would burn...

"What on earth are you doing, Potter?" Sirius asked, kneeling on his bed, his head cocked slightly to the side.

James grinned, lifting up a pocket knife. "You'll see!" he stood, having been crouched over his trunk and moved to Sirius' bed. When he was sat with his legs crossed, Sirius imitated him. "Give me your hand..." He held his out and grabbed Sirius'. "It'll hurt...but don't scream." Sirius nodded, biting down on his lip. "This is a promise...my dad told me once that long ago, Wizards used to seal bonds in blood." He poked his tongue between his teeth and frowned in concentration as he dug the blade deep into Sirius' palm, Sirius winced but made no sound. "They used the power of magical blood..." he lifted his own hand and cut into his own palm with a hiss. "To seal contracts as well as special protection rituals...and this." He grabbed Sirius' hand tightly in his own bloodied one and they looked at each other over their clasped hands. There was a moment where nothing happened, but then Sirius gasped as he felt an odd, tingling sensation creeping through his body, he shivered...it was not unpleasant. James' eyes shone in the moonlight that streamed down through the window, there was a small flash of light from their clasped hands and James gasped, swearing softly before they released each other. "And now, we're blood brothers." He grinned.

Sirius looked curiously at his palm, the cut was no longer bleeding but crimson stained his hand. "That was Dark Magic." He said softly, lifting his eyes up to James' again.

James smiled. "Could be..."

"Most of the Old Ways have been classed as Dark though..." Sirius considered his palm for a while. "So...I'm blood brothers with a blood traitor?"

James giggled. "So it would seem...it just means that we'll always be together, magically speaking. It won't hurt us...and it won't give us special powers."

Sirius finally looked up at James and smiled slowly. "Even after that massive fight we had?"

"Well...that was...different. You were alright on the train, then you got here and after calling that boy a...a..."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Mudblood? You...hit me for calling him a Mudblood?"

James rolled his eyes. "Of course I did, you idiot! At first I thought it was because you were being cruel...but, now I know you better, I know that it's just because you don't know any better!" he leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Sirius'. "I'll teach you." He grinned. "I'll teach you to become better than your family, teach you to understand that you can't do or say certain things because it's mean."

"Really? You can teach that kind of stuff?" Sirius replied softly.

"Course I can! We're brothers." He raised his bloodied hand and Sirius took it in his own.

They grinned at each other at the exact same moment before falling backwards, laughing loudly.

From that moment on, they became inseparable. They never spoke of their secret pact, because not only was it just between them, it was potentially dangerous and they could have been expelled for such a thing. Towards the end of the year Sirius had come out of himself, losing a good portion of his blood-pride and smiling a great deal more, after exchanging blood with James he could feel a slow understanding seep into him...he could almost, maybe, understand why James wasn't hung up on rules, tradition and purity.

Sirius found himself unable to stop gazing at James, as he stood atop a desk, proclaiming loudly that he had made it onto the Quidditch team as Chaser. He gazed, fascinated, as James began becoming infatuated with a girl...a small, red headed girl who hated him. James was everything he wasn't, when summer rolled around he would curl up in his bed, hands covering his head as he listened to the hammering on his door, as he listened to the screams and shouts as his mother tried to get him to open it. He closed his eyes and thought of James...he thought of him and tried to will his thoughts to his friend...to make him see. He needed James to know that his father had pushed him down the stairs again, all because he was walking slowly...he needed James to know that his mother had managed to hit him in the back with a curse that caused him to only be able to sleep on his stomach due to the horrendous bloody gash across it...he needed James to know...but he was too afraid that James would desert him.

It was fourth year when it happened, it was an accident. They were drunk...

"Siriusss..." James wobbled as he stumbled over to his friend, his firewhisky sloshing from his glass as he sat down with a sigh.

"James..." Sirius took the glass, downing the rest of James' drink. "You're drunk, mate." He pointed out.

James laughed. "Ya'think?"

The party was loud, as usual. The Marauders were well known for their spontaneous, no reason at all, parties. Sirius could have sworn he saw several Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws in the crowded common room. He had also been snogging several Slytherin girls, pretty ones who seemed to find his status as a bloodtraitor attractive. But when he kissed girls, it was empty...like there was something missing...when they slid their hands down his trousers and realised he wasn't quite as into it as he was making out he usually got a slap and they walked away. It was getting to him slightly, it worried him that there was something wrong with him, something had been broken when his mother had thrown him across the room when he was five years old, perhaps? And yet...when he dreamed, sometimes he would wake up and know he had been having a dirty dream, but he never was able to remember what it was about. So at least he knew something turned him on, the problem was _finding_ that something!

James watched Sirius downing his drink, his eyes moving to his lips. The world was sort of fuzzy, everything had a wonderful golden haze around it that made him smile, especially Sirius. Sirius looked beautiful, his bones so wonderfully defined, his movements elegant and graceful, like a girl...he blinked as he realised Sirius was staring at him and he smiled, leaning forward and poking Sirius' nose. He fell back laughing as Sirius frowned in confusion.

After a while James' eyes scanned the party and he spotted her, that gorgeous red head called Lily Evans. He stood, a little unsteadily and wove his way towards her, Sirius watched feeling slightly bereft, as if someone had turned out the light in his little corner. So he grabbed the nearest bottle, not bothering to find out what it was and downed it. James grinned, messing his hair up as he paused in front of Lily who looked irritable. "Hey gorgeous, you looking for something to do?" He had to concentrate hard to stop his words from coming out as nonsense.

"If I was it certainly would not be with you, Potter! Now, get out of my way, I'm tired." She tried to shove past him, but he pouted sulkily, barring her way.

"Come on, you know you want me...everyone else does. Just...just kiss me and I'll let you past!"

Lily looked horrified by the mere suggestion of kissing him, she lifted her hand and the slap echoed through the room. James stood there, mouth hanging open as all eyes turned in their direction, the music seemed to have stopped and everyone was holding their breath. Sirius watched from his corner as James' face went red, his eyes darkened and he straightened. "What was that for?" he said softly, anger obvious in his voice.

"I would rather kiss the Fat Lady!" Lily said, sounding slightly breathless in her fury. "You arrogant, boastful Prat!"

James spluttered looking lost. "I-I...How...what...?" Lily tossed her long hair over her shoulder and pushed past him, walking up the stairs to the girls dorms. James seemed to gather himself, hands shaking as they clenched into fists at his sides. "Alright, what the fuck are you all looking at? Back to whatever you were doing...shows over!"

People jumped and began turning back to whatever they were doing as James strode over to Sirius, snatching the bottle from his fingers and finishing it with one gulp. He threw it aside where it smashed before he grabbed Sirius' hand and pulled him out of his seat and out of the portrait hole. "James what the...?" Sirius muttered as he was pulled through the moon lit castle.

"That bitch!" James hissed to himself. "What the hell does she know, anyway? I bet she's just a silly little virgin..."

"James..."

James ignored Sirius as he found himself pulled through familiar passageways and to a set of stairs which he knew led to the Astronomy tower, the gathering place for night time lovers and loners. "I can't believe her! She just slapped me! In front of everyone! It's like she's made it her life's mission to humiliate me in every possible way!" James was slightly out of breath when they finally came to a halt on the top of the tower and Sirius was released from the grip on his wrist.

"James...you're a virgin too, you know that right?" Sirius muttered, feeling annoyed at the rough treatment, he rubbed his wrist and blew hair from his eyes.

"That's not the point! I wouldn't be if I didn't spend half my life chasing after that ginger prude!"

Sirius chuckled, walking over to stand beside his friend. He leaned on the parapet and gazed out at the beautiful scenery, the moon rose high above the mountains and he took a deep breath of fresh air and felt it blow away some of his drunkenness. "Then stop chasing her." Sirius said slowly. "She hates you."James twitched but made no reply. "At this rate you'll die a virgin and in all honesty I couldn't think of a more boring thing to happen..." He leaned on one hand, tapping the stone with the other.

"But you're a virgin too...aren't you?" James looked at him curiously, his glasses glinting.

Sirius looked away, unable to meet his eyes as he spoke in a dead monotone. "No..."

"You make it sound like a bad thing, mate." James replied, smiling slightly until he saw the look in Sirius' eyes and he closed his mouth on his words.

"Anyway, some things are...better left unsaid...yeah?" Sirius gave his friend a side long glance. James moved closer to his side so their shoulders brushed lightly, they fell silent, but not for long.

"What happened?" He asked, avoiding Sirius' glare. "You don't...talk much."

Sirius ran fingers through his hair, the action stirring a soft fluttering sensation deep in the pit of James' stomach. "Really it doesn't matter..."

"I want to know. How did you lose your Virginity?"

"Stop..."

"No."

"Please..."

"Tell me."

Sirius and James faced each other, their eyes locked. The tension was thick in the air and Sirius' hands were clasped into fists at his sides, his hair was picked up by the breeze and he gritted his teeth. "Stop...please."

"I have to know." James took a step closer, looking into silver eyes. "You never talk about what happens at your home..."

"Because it doesn't matter."

James lifted his hand, palm facing Sirius and he could see the thin, faint scar of their pact. "It matters, trust me."

Their faces were close, so close that Sirius could feel James' breath on his face. His heart began beating rapidly in his chest and he took a deep, shuddery breath, but it got stuck as James began tipping his head to the side, his fingers tangling in his hair and drawing him ever closer...slowly, slowly...their lips met. "Stop..." Sirius whispered, his eyes half closing as his own hands trailed down James' shoulders.

"Why?" James replied, increasing the pressure gently.

"We can't..." Sirius found his hands pressed against James' chest.

"You want this...i've seen the way you look at me." James replied with a devious smirk.

"It's wrong."

"So's you not telling me about your home..." James slid his free hand down to Sirius' hip, pulling him even closer. "You have a choice; kiss me or tell me."

Sirius froze, eyes widening slightly. "B-But I..."

"The clocks ticking, Sirius."

After a seconds hesitation Sirius tipped his head to the side, parting his lips slightly and dragging himself closer to James. The kiss was slow, their tongues meeting between their conjoined mouths and slowly exploring each other. Sirius couldn't stop the soft hitch in his chest as he lifted his arms and circled James' neck, pulling his body closer as he was turned and pushed against the low Parapet. They moaned together, unsure who made what sound as they closed their eyes.

When they drew away Sirius was breathing hard, a soft flush creeping into his cheeks as he realised his body was reacting rather inappropriately to James'. James looked down at Sirius' jeans and the obvious bulge. "Well..." He said, swallowing hard. "I'm guessing you enjoyed that..." Sirius pushed James away from him, eyes wide with fear. James smiled. "There's something you're not telling me, Siri."

Sirius shook his head. "Just...too much to drink." He muttered, sounding disappointingly sober.

"Didn't know firewhisky was an aphrodisiac."

Sirius looked away, turning his back on James. He felt disgusted with himself, his fingers clutching the stone as he hung his head. "Don't." He whispered. "Just...forget about this..."

"Why?"

Sirius could hear James behind him as he looked down at the grounds, suddenly extremely tempted to throw himself off of the tower. "Because It's not fucking normal!" He cried suddenly, his hands going to his hair as he tried to hold in all his frustration and pain.

"Who said that? It's more normal than most people think...Sirius, we're teenagers for crying out loud!" James laughed, then stopped as he realised Sirius was shaking. "Hey...are you alright?"

"No...No I'm not alright...Just...go. Leave me alone for a while."

"I'm not leaving you here looking like you're about to throw yourself off." James said stubbornly.

"I-I won't...I promise. Just...go..." He felt James behind him, arms slid around his waist, sliding down his stomach and making him bite down hard on his lip to stop the groan from escaping. James' fingers found his zipper and slowly slid it down. "James...what are you...?"

"Shh..." James whispered in his ear. "I'm interested...you got me curious. Just...be quiet."

"Stop it..." Sirius' eyes slid closed and he groaned as he felt James' long fingers slide into his boxers. "Please..."

"I'm not going to stop...just enjoy it. You do it to yourself, this isn't any different."

"It is different...Its...nnnn...oh _fuck_..." He gasped as he felt a hot hand encase him, his hips jerking uncontrollably into his friend's palm.

"Is it good?" James whispered breathlessly, his tongue darting out and running across Sirius' neck. Sirius reached down, grabbing James' wrist, he leaned back into him, losing himself as pleasure swept over him, making thought near impossible. James let out a soft hiss as Sirius' hips moved back into him, grinding against his own erection. "Oh...that's amazing..." He muttered. "Do it again..."

"James..." Sirius gasped, feeling those fingers tighten on him. He stared up at the sky, eyes glazed and pupils wide. "Fuck...Y-You should...nnng...s-stop...b-before..."

"Shut up, you idiot..." James replied, nipping at the junction where Sirius' neck met his shoulders. His hand speeded up as he felt Sirius moving against him, he gasped softly, unable to help himself.

"Oh god! J-James...I-I..."

"Come..." James hissed softly, pushing against him. "It's alright..."

"I-I..." Sirius's eyes snapped closed, a tightness coiling in his stomach as his hips jerked uncontrollably, his fingers grasped at James' robes and he felt his body go rigid before all thought was wiped away by a blanket of white. He vaguely felt James shudder and swear as they fell against the stone, both of them breathing heavily. James' arms were shaking as he held the stone on either side of Sirius' body as he slumped against it, he smiled.

"That was pretty good...just what I needed."

"You fucker." Sirius gasped breathlessly, he pushed himself up and turned around, only to see James licking semen off of his hand. Sirius' eyes watched the movement as if entranced. "That...is disgusting..." Sirius muttered, still unable to look away.

"You don't seem to think so..." James looked down and Sirius shot him a furious glare, tucking himself away and zipping up his fly. James laughed. "Calm down, it was just a wank."

"_That_...was not just a wank." Sirius hissed, not quite sure exactly how that had just happened.

"Sure it was." James looked earnest. "You just used someone else's hand."

"Fuck off, prick." Sirius felt himself flush and turned around. "Let's get back to the common room before someone comes looking..."James had to hurry to catch up with his friend, dragging him into a nearby toilet. "Hey! What the...?"

"I need to wash your come off my hand, you idiot." He said with a chuckle at Sirius' face.

Sirius glared at him, folding his arms across his chest and leaning against a bathroom stall. "So, you gunna tell Evans that you 'hand-raped' your best mate?"

James laughed brightly as he wiped his wet hands on a towel and turned around. "What the fuck is 'hand rape'?"

Sirius shrugged. "What else would you call it?"

James stepped forward, capturing Sirius' jaw in one hand and kissing him on the lips. "Stress relief." He said with a wink.

For weeks after the incident on the Astronomy Tower Sirius tried desperately to avoid being alone with James, he hated thinking about the way everything had felt so right, he hated thinking about how good that hand had felt, gripping him...he tried to push it all away, but it haunted him at night, driving him mad until he had no choice but to relieve himself, mouthing James' name as he came. James' face made him want to blush like a second year girl, James' smile made him want to stare at him forever and never have to look away, James' laugh made shivers run down his spine and every time they touched he could feel goose bumps erupt across his skin.

James began to find opportunities to corner Sirius at night, Sirius would find himself dragged into empty classrooms, where he would be pushed onto a desk, feeling James' lips against his in the dark, fumbling fingers, hot breath on his neck...it drove him insane. And yet, he was forced to watch as James still pursued Lily.

Those heated whispers in the darkness, those hands sliding over his body and the sounds of his pounding heart sent him reeling, James intoxicated him. His kisses were like flames, so hot that Sirius felt himself burning, he wanted to scream with the agony of it but only ended up hissing James' name into his hair as he spilled his seed over his hands.

James found himself fascinated by Sirius, he was consumed with an animalistic desire for his friend, a desperate, insatiable need drove him to see how far he could push Sirius. They kept their secrets, a heavy burden that sat on their shoulders, weighing them down and yet, when James made Sirius moan, when he found himself trapped with him in an empty class room, hot, sweaty hands gliding across ribs, tangling in hair and sloppy, feverish kisses punctured by whispered curses the burden was lessened. He wanted nothing more than to watch Sirius come, he revelled in the sight of his friend coming undone, the way his eyes snapped shut, the way his chest heaved, the muscles on his neck strained and taught as he shuddered and gasped, his hips moving with ever increasing speed into James' hand. James knew that Sirius was only ever truly himself in those moments, all the walls fell with a resounding crash as Sirius gasped James' name over and over, as sweat stuck his hair to his forehead. He knew that this Sirius belonged to him and only him, this Sirius was his to hold close to his heart, no one else was allowed to know that when Sirius came he bit down on his bottom lip, silver eyes desperately begging for more as he threw his head back, no one else could ever know the taste of his skin, flushed pink from exertion. Because on those nights, alone in an empty class room, James and Sirius were the only people in the entire universe.

James laughed as he landed on the grass, his broom falling from his gloved fingers as he revelled in the screams of celebration. He turned and saw Sirius running towards him, his face split in a grin that threatened to make the top half of his head fall off. He opened his arms as Sirius bowled into him, they fell to the floor, a tangled mass of crimson and gold and black. Sirius was laughing, kissing James on the head as they were engulfed by celebrating Gryffindor's, James was finally dragged from Sirius' embrace and lifted into the air, he laughed as someone handed him a large silver cup. Sirius watched from the sidelines, he watched as they carried his friend off towards the castle, he stuffed hands into his pocket, his scarf trailing down his back and he sighed heavily, kicking at a mound of grass before finally following the celebrating students inside.

The party was loud and intense, this was the first time Gryffindor had won the Quidditch world cup in a long time, and everyone wanted some piece of James. He was practically passed around, congratulated and asked to repeat his epic winning goals for younger students. Sirius watched from a corner, he had one leg drawn to his chest as he curled in on himself, a butterbeer in one hand and a fake smile plastered across his face. And then he saw James coming towards him, having finally shaken off his admirers. His smile softened when he saw Sirius and he moved closer, opening his mouth to speak but before he could get close he caught a flash of red hair and turned to see Lily standing behind him. Sirius watched with a kind of awed fascination as Lily flushed prettily, her green eyes gazing up into James' face and then...he kissed her.

Sirius' world fell from beneath him. He took a shuddery little breath and gazed at the pair, Lily moved away abruptly, shaking her head and saying something before turning and walking away leaving James staring after her and looking defeated and as heartbroken as Sirius felt. At Sixteen James had certainly grown up, he was not quite as immature as he had been and he barely ever messed his hair up at the back anymore, he still had his moments but the pranks were becoming fewer and fewer each day. James turned to where Sirius had been and saw only an empty chair, a half full bottle of butterbeer still sitting desolately on the small table.

Sirius sat down on the stairs, he shoved fingers into his hair and sighed shakily. He had always known that their relationship was little more than playing around, but some part of him, some annoying, _unforgiveable_ part of him had always hoped...He covered his face, rubbing his palms over it in an attempt to steady himself, he could feel himself falling and he didn't like the feeling of weightlessness...it was terrifying and thrilling all at once. It made him ache and shiver with delight, it made his heart beat like a drum in his chest and worst of all it made him _hate_ her. She was stealing James away from him, she was slowly but surely blocking out his sun and, like a plant, without his sun he would wither and die.

"So, this is where you're hiding."

Sirius didn't bother turning around at the sound of that voice, he gazed despondently down at the stone floor and said nothing. James sat at his side, leaning his head on his shoulder with a soft sigh. "Are you...alright?" Sirius asked after the silence had stretched on for too long.

"I guess so..." James replied, swigging from the bottle of whiskey in his hand. "At least she didn't slap me." He chuckled bitterly and Sirius snatched the bottle from his hand and downed what was left. "Slow down there mate, or you'll just be to-..." He was cut off by Sirius' lips against his, his fingers in his hair and a hot, insistent tongue in his mouth. He groaned heavily as he felt himself pushed back slightly as Sirius climbed into his lap and straddled him.

"She doesn't deserve you." Sirius whispered, eyes half closed as he pressed his forehead against James'. "She doesn't know you...not like I do. James..." His tongue stumbled over the name as James looked up into eyes as dark as storm clouds.

"Sirius, what's this all of a sudden?" James asked, sliding his hand absently up Sirius' thigh. "Are you alright?" He looked concerned and Sirius shook his head.

"No...not really. I'm pissed. I'm fucking angry. I _hate_ her James." His fingers slipped down James' chest slowly. "I hate her. She doesn't deserve you!"

"Wait...what...?" James began to frown until Sirius' lips crashed against his and he found himself falling backwards. He was pinned to the cold hard stone by Sirius' body, his fingers grappling with the fly of his jeans as persistent tongues danced, heavy groans filled the fresh night air of the empty corridor and neither boy seemed to care that they could be discovered. He forgot everything, even the soft, cushiony feel of Lily's lips...all that mattered was the hot, oh so very hot hand clasping his cock tightly and moving in long, slow strokes that drew strangled noises from his throat. All that mattered was that Sirius never, _ever_ stop touching him like that...

Sirius watched James intently, his bright silver eyes never leaving his face as James gazed up at him with dark eyes, his hips moving in rapid thrusts, his body arching as he groaned heavily, muttering incoherently into the darkness. "James..." Sirius hissed softly, leaning down and kissing him deeply, his tongue imitating the movement of his hand. He swallowed James' gasps, as strong fingers grabbed handfuls of his hair and began tugging, he felt James tensing, his body trembling beneath him...he pulled away long enough to look into those hazel eyes and suddenly he felt James shuddering, his back arched dramatically off the floor. "Oh..._fuuuuuck_!" he cried suddenly, and Sirius watched as he came hard into his hand. Hot white liquid covered his fingers as he tugged a few more times before James collapsed with a heavy sigh. Sirius released him and leaned down, taking his mouth, slowly sliding his tongue across his bottom lip and taking note of his small satisfied sigh before pulling away. "That..." James began with a hard swallow. "That was unexpected..." he smiled slightly. Sirius' face was flushed, hormones raged through him and he was panting slightly. His tongue darted out to lick at his dry lips before he moved away from James, his eyes glittering in the dark. His erection was painful, he had to get some kind of relief and so he made to stand but James pulled him back down, he ended up sprawled in his lap gazing up at him through tangled hair. James slid his fingers into the waist band of his tight Jeans, Sirius grabbed his wrists tightly and leaned down, kissing him slowly and passionately. James tipped his head to the side and pushed his tongue between Sirius' lips, both boys shivered as they teased each other carefully, James chuckled and tried to shove his hands into Sirius' jeans but still he was denied. "L-Let me..." He murmured softly, nuzzling Sirius' hair with his nose. "I want to touch you...I want to..."

"James..." Sirius sighed and released his wrists, sliding his own hand into his Jeans, pulling the button open and watching James' eyes widen slightly as Sirius touched himself. "J-Just watch..." He gasped, tightening his hand around his aching cock and slowly sliding it up and down, James swallowed, eyes as wide as saucers as he watched Sirius' movements. He heard Sirius make a soft groaning noise that went straight to his groin, his eyes didn't seem to know where to go, he wanted to watch Sirius' face but he also couldn't stop looking away from the movement of his hand as he slid it up and down his length. James swallowed, trying to hold back from touching him. Suddenly Sirius released himself and lay back in the cold stone floor, James frowned as Sirius struggled out of his jeans, James' eyes widened even further as Sirius began sucking on his own fingers, the movement of his clever tongue was hypnotising and James shivered, having to take slow breaths to calm himself, but when Sirius slid his wet fingers between his open legs James groaned with him. He watched them slide into that hole, he uttered a small moan of his own as his cock hardened painfully again. He wandered what it feel like to be inside there, he could imagine it...tight and hot...he shivered, his hips twitching slightly. "Merlin..." He breathed as Sirius began moaning heavily, his free hand going to his cock once more. "Merlin...Sirius...I-I'm going t-to come..." James muttered, hearing Sirius chuckle breathlessly.

"Not yet James...Nnnn...Wait..." He whispered, eyes sliding closed as he prepared himself. "I want...I want you to fuck me..." His hips jerked at the thought.

James watched pre-come dribble down Sirius' knuckles and he shuddered again as heat stabbed viciously at his gut, it was a tight and almost painful feeling and it took all of his self control not to grab his own cock.

Finally Sirius stopped, and removed his fingers, he beckoned James closer. "Come here..." He said hoarsely, eyes as dark as two pools of night. James obliged and moved so that he hovered above Sirius' sweat slicked, shivering body, his hair was stuck to his face in places and he was shuddering violently, but the desire and need in his eyes nearly sent James slamming over the edge. "You know how to...?"

James smiled. "I think I can guess." He muttered roughly as he leaned down and kissed Sirius. "Is this...such a good idea?" He asked as he pulled away, his brows drawn into a concerned frown.

"Just do it you wimp." Sirius gasped, a small smile on his lips. "I'm a big boy, I can decide for myself what I want..."

James chewed his lip before nodded once and lining his erection up with Sirius' entrance. He watched as he slowly pressed against the hole, the tip of his cock suddenly encased in the tight ring of muscle. Sirius bit down on his lip and closed his eyes, he let his head fall back and breathed sharply through his nose, the pain was a deep, throbbing burning sensation but he was used to pain and he controlled the urge to whimper and concentrated whole heartedly on his breathing. And then a noise made his eyes snap open, he found himself looking up into James' eyes, they were staring at each other and the moment seemed to freeze, James' arms shook and his breathing was ragged as he waited for Sirius to adjust. He was surrounded by intense heat, it was tight and hot and everything he had even imagined and yet it was so, so much _more_...because it was _Sirius_. Sirius lay beneath him with flushed cheeks and hair caught between slightly parted lips and those brilliant eyes sparkling in the dark. It was _his_ Sirius. The one with that strange vulnerability hidden in the depths of his gaze, the one who chewed nervously on his bottom lip, the one who could moan his name with just the right lilt to make him come harder than anyone else. It was _His_ Sirius who reached up with shaking fingers and wrapped them in his hair, gently pulling his lips down, it was _his_ Sirius who hissed the words which he was unable to deny; "_Fucking move_..." And best of all, when their mouths connected it was _his_ Sirius who arched into his body, giving him everything.

James slid slowly out of Sirius making him pant and shiver beneath him, he groaned as he slid slowly back into that amazing heat. He opened his eyes and watched Sirius' face as he moved in time with him, their eyes locked onto each other, their hands began to move across each other's skin, Sirius leaned up, biting hard at James' throat and hissing encouragement in the form of swear words. He grabbed James' shoulder, nails dragging down his back and leaving bloody lines as Sirius fell backwards with a strangled cry of passion. "S-Sirius...Gods...s-so tight..." James muttered, burying his face into Sirius' hair as he speeded up the movement of his hips, Sirius arched and cursed him in several languages before kissing him roughly, biting at his lips, pulling at chunks of his hair and gasping into his open mouth.

"Fuck me...fuck me James..." He gasped, jerking his hips and tightening himself around James, forcing a moan from his bloodied lips.

The hall was silent for a while except for the sounds of sticky flesh, sweat soaked skin gliding against each other and soft feverish gasps. James felt an agonising twist in his gut and his hips slammed into Sirius again and again, all he could see were those beautiful glazed eyes, all he could hear were cries of _more_ and _harder_ and _never_, _ever fucking stop you stupid useless bastard_! All he could feel was heat, skin, sharp stinging teeth and waves upon waves of rapidly building pressure. He gasped as Sirius did something with his muscles and felt that sharp, stabbing heat twisting his guts... "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit..._Siriuuuussss_..." His eyes snapped shut and his whole body tensed, with a gut wrenching moan he came deep inside Sirius' trembling body.

Sirius watched James come, his eyes glued to his face, he could feel his own orgasm building but fought it off just so he could sear this moment into his memory forever. Finally he couldn't hold back any longer and he arched his back, choking on James' name as his orgasm crashed into him like a freight train, he felt a hand clamped over his mouth as his voice left him much too loudly. Finally he went limp, gasping as James fell on top of him. They lay still, recovering from the high and blinking sleepily at each other. James was first to recover and he smiled slowly. "Wow..." He breathed against Sirius' throat, leaving a sloppy trail of wet kisses across his collar bone. "Amazing..."

Sirius sighed heavily, but his smile was no less real. "Thanks..." he whispered, dragging James' lips to his and kissing him. He hummed in satisfaction as James pulled away and sat up, jeans hanging from his legs and hair so messy Sirius thought he looked like rather silly, but somehow the silliness just made him all that much more addictive. His glasses were wonky and he adjusted them and began pulling his trousers back up. Sirius copied him.

When they returned to the common room it was as if a switch had been flicked, they slipped so easily from lovers to friends in the time it took them to crawl through the Portrait hole and the fact that they had made love in the dark of a corridor was never mentioned.

Sirius was taunted by it, his mind dwelling on the feel of James inside him, the exquisite feeling of being whole, of finally knowing for certain that he would never, _ever_ be alone again...at night all he could see was James' face, flushed and full of shadow as he slid his hand over his aching cock and hissed James' name through bared teeth. He was forced to watch with a smiling face as Lily began creeping closer, he was forced to let James slip through his desperately grasping fingers as she yanked him away...and it hurt. It hurt so _fucking badly_ he wanted to use his pocket knife and slam it through his hand just to ease the agony in his heart...it was like the touch of ice when he entered the common room to see Lily and James speaking quietly to each other in a cosy corner. It was like James was stabbing him repeatedly in the back when he saw his fingers slide up her arm gently, tilting his head in such a way the firelight hit his face and Sirius wanted to cry. But...he never did.

James walked about the school loudly talking about Lily, Sirius nodded and smiled appropriately, hiding his true feelings behind the mask. A mask he had built over summers of constant abuse, a mask he never thought he would have to use around James...He listened as James described his latest date with his red haired girl and Sirius had to take a sip of his pumpkin juice just to give his shaking hands something to do so he didn't throttle his best friend where he sat. He sat there, imagining that night on the staircase when James had been his, when James had given him everything he had dreamed of...and then torn it all away in one fell swoop. He fought the tears and put on his 'friend smile' the one he now seemed wear whenever he was around James.

At night he would stare up at the canopy above his bed and listen to James sleeping, he would imagine climbing beneath those warm sheets at his side, sliding his hands down James' ribs and hearing his breathing catch, he would close his eyes and imagine himself sliding down James' boxers and moving down his body to take his erection into his mouth...he tried to imagine what he would taste like, but couldn't. His fingers tightened on his own erection as he stifled his groans of pleasure behind his hand. "James...James..." He muttered repeatedly, seeing those hazel eyes cloud over as he came. He remembered the searing heat, the sound of wet flesh against his own and shuddered, his balls tightened and he let slip a long drawn out moan as he came into his own hand...

It was all too much. They weren't at school anymore, this wasn't their dorms, they weren't children anymore...so why was Sirius pressed into the wall, clinging with every ounce of strength onto James? Why were they struggling to pull off each other's ties and scrabbling at shirt tails, yanking, pulling, grabbing, gasping, _moaning_...

"Sirius...Fucking hell Sirius...this is insane..." James gasped against his throat, his eyes closed as he pressed his face into Sirius' long hair. He could feel his friends erection pressing into his hip as he pressed him into the wall...and what was worse was that he could feel Sirius' chest hitching in a way that made his stomach cramp painfully, as if he was going to be sick...how had they got here?

"_James?" _

_James turned to see Sirius standing in the doorway to his bedroom, one hand on the wall and the other deep in his pocket. He looked as handsome as ever, long hair hanging casually into his bright eyes, black waist coat, dress shoes and neatly pressed shirt all immaculate...and it seemed suddenly wrong. James frowned, Sirius looked _wrong_...something simply wasn't _right_ about seeing him dressed so smartly. He stepped forward, grabbing Sirius' tie and yanking on it, it came undone. "Sirius..." James murmured softly, fingers gliding through his beautiful hair. "Once more..." He muttered, lips brushing his..._

_And Sirius was completely unable to deny him._

And now their bodies were pressed close, their cocks aching as they ground into each other through the thin fabric of their trousers, James' hands clutching at Sirius' hips, their gasping breaths escaping them in tiny gusts as they devoured each other's mouths. They didn't have long. Hardly time for them to come...Sirius ground his hips into James' drawing a desperate keening noise from his throat before he opened his eyes and they gazed at each other. "Fuck..." James gasped, moving closer, pressing harder and Sirius felt him coming...he felt James' cock twitching in his trousers and he was shoved violently into his own. His head slammed into the wall and his eyes snapped shut as he came with a violent shudder and in total silence.

They barely had time to adjust themselves and mutter a few cleaning charms before they stared guiltily at each other and someone knocked on the door...

"She's ready." The old wizened man said from the door way and James gasped, his face going pale and he nodded.

Sirius gazed at his best friend, his lover, the only person in the world he had ever cried in front of and he felt his heart shatter in his chest...it was happening so fast. It was _too_ fast and he couldn't cope! He _hated_ her! He hated her so much it was painful...agony such as he'd never felt before...and James was _Marrying_ her! He only let a single tear slide down his cheek before he wiped it away and walked out.

James stood, rooted to the spot. Sirius had been crying throughout their whole messy, breathless encounter...he had been practically sobbing into James' shirt as they had rocked and moaned and come together...and James felt his heart clench, guilt fill his stomach with lead and his teeth dug painfully into his bottom lip as he watched Sirius walk out...

Their first argument and James came running to him. Sirius hated it. He despised everything...the way James had dragged him close...the way their lips had met in a desperate, hungry kiss...the way James had hissed his name as he had pushed him over backwards against the table, the way James' eyes had been full of pain and fury and guilt and self-hatred. Sirius merely looked up at him with dark eyes, his face expressionless as he allowed James to enter him. Those silver eyes darkened as James thrust into him, until Sirius was finally reacting, his nails scraping the wood, his body breaking out into a sweat as he called James' name, and then James saw the tears again. Tears he doubted even Sirius was aware he was shedding, he leaned down kissing Sirius' mouth, devouring his cries and his breath and felt grief tearing him to pieces...he _needed_ him. James needed Sirius like the grass needed soil...he wanted him. He desired him...and he was so fucking desperately in love with him it was agony to watch him suffer...he had no choice but to return to Lily...that sweet, green eyed girl he had been in love with since he had first laid eyes upon her...but that was different. _Sirius_ was different. Sirius was an animal, raw passion, heavy, unadulterated _passion_. James loved him so fiercely he couldn't stand the thought of Sirius touching another, so he had to make sure Sirius knew who he belonged to...but Lily was soft, gentle and so, so sweet...her love was easy and wonderful and made everything glitter and shine like gem stones under the sun...Sirius was dark, dark and intangible, his fingers rough and calloused, his voice deep and always, always with that glitter of dominance in his eye...

Sirius groaned heavily into James' open mouth, meeting his thrusts, his fingers digging painfully into James' shoulders as he arched off the wooden table and threw his head back with a sharp hiss as James twisted his hips viciously. "James...t-there...a-again..." He gasped, lights danced across his vision and he never wanted it to end...but it had to...he had to come...his balls drew up, his teeth dug into his bottom lip and he eyes flickered closed he gasped in a breath and let his orgasm wipe all thought away in one savage twist of searing white fire...

"Sirius please...don't do this!" James said desperately as he watched Sirius turn his back, the scent of cigarettes and strong liquor clinging to him as he walked to the edge of the rooftop balcony and gazed out over London.

"I'm doing fuck all James...except sitting here and letting you shag me whenever you get bored of little miss red." He croaked, his voice harsh and broken. "You tell me you want me as Godfather? To your brat?" He let out a single humourless bark of laughter and ran fingers through his hair. "You'll be the death of me James...Fuck...you're gunna kill me...I won't die in this war...It'll be you and your stupid fucking smile and that ridiculous hair..." His voice was thick with tears but he refused to let them fall. "But...you know I'll do it...because you're asking me...because I..." he bit down on the rest of that sentence, James knew, he always knew...and Sirius refused to say the words aloud because it would make what they were doing far too real. Instead he took a shuddery breath and let it out as he took a cigarette from behind his ear and lit it with a match.

"So...y-you'll do it?" James asked uncertainly, he dared not touch Sirius, not when he had been drinking.

"Yeah, I'll do it. I'll look after your damned spawn if you cop it." Sirius replied, speaking around his cigarette. "Just don't come running to me to fucking baby sit, I'm not going to be changing any Nappies unless I have to..."

James smiled weakly at Sirius' back. "Thank you..."

"Don't." Sirius muttered, his voice full of bitterness. "Don't thank me...I don't want your pity either." He felt hands on his shoulders, they slid down his arms and James pressed his forehead to his back. "James...please, just go home to her...she needs you."

_So do you._ James thought, but he couldn't say it...it was too hard. Everything was too fucking hard...so he moved away, leaving a lingering kiss on the back of Sirius' neck before turning away and leaving him stood in the moonlight and smoking and shedding silent tears.

When Sirius first saw the boy he didn't know what to feel, because the brat was gazing up at him with bright green eyes...the eyes of the woman he hated...but he couldn't really hate her, could he? He couldn't truly hate her because she was a part of James and he loved James, he loved James like a brother, like a friend and he loved him like a lover. Those eyes gazed at him, and he realised that no matter what he would never be able to hate the child either...because the child was James. The boy was James with his messy hair, his big, goofy grin and his little face...he was perfect...and yet Sirius still hated him. Like he hated her. He hated them both and loved them both and knew, with a painful certainty that he would die for all of them. He would throw his own life away like it meant nothing so long as he could make sure they had another chance to smile...

James watched Sirius gazing into the crib with dark eyes, head cocked curiously to one side as he reached in and poked Harry's cheek, the baby made strange sounds but James only had eyes for Sirius in that moment because Sirius looked for all the world like a dog admiring his pack-mates litter. James knew the look of fierce devotion in those silver eyes and he sighed with relief, Sirius would love Harry and James was glad. Finally Sirius looked up through his hair, his eyes said everything James needed to hear and before either of them could consider the ramifications of what they were doing James had slammed Sirius into the wall and they were kissing, their tongues tangling their hands grasping desperately at each other. "Not here!" Sirius gasped, his eyes darkening rapidly. "Not in front of...nnn...the brat..."

"Not brat..." James hissed against Sirius' throat. "Harry...His name's Harry..."

Sirius groaned, slamming his head back into the wall as James opened his jeans and began tugging rapidly at his erection. "J-James..." he groaned forgetting where he was, forgetting that James' wife was in the kitchen, forgetting that there was a war, that he had seen men, women and children blown to bits before his eyes...he forgot about Harry and his world became James. It became those hazel eyes, it became the heated caress of his fingers, the wet, sloppy kisses and he couldn't give a fuck about anything else as he thrust into James' hand and worked James' own cock free of his restricting trousers.

"Sirius..." James muttered into Sirius' ear as he came with a violent shudder and a soft curse.

Lily knew. She had known for a while, when her husband disappeared for a few nights she knew he would go to Sirius and she knew what they did. She wasn't oblivious. She recognised the scent of leather and cologne that clung to him when he returned, she knew what those white stains were on his trousers...but she cleaned them just the same. She sat with Harry clutched to her chest, alone and crying silently into her son's hair. She had seen the way Sirius looked at James, she had seen them kiss. She had seen James' eyes filled with terrible guilt and pain as he had looked at her across the table, she recognised those strange bruises on his throat and across his chest, she knew what teeth marks looked like. But she smiled, when he returned, she smiled and made him dinner and took care of his dirty laundry in silence. The silences that stretched on forever...even when he made love to her, he was gentle, and loving and so wonderfully caring she cried, because it was agony. Knowing that Sirius had touched his skin, knowing that Sirius knew the way he kissed and knowing that James could love so fiercely...and knowing that that love would never be hers.

One day James sat in a chair, he was slumped despondently, Lily sat with him, they knew they would be forced to leave and go into hiding because Voldemort was hunting them and she hoped that perhaps this would be there chance to pull away from Sirius. She had hope but when she had seen the look of determination on her husband's face she knew she was wrong, he would never let him go...James was in Love with him...as much as he was in love with her.

It was evening when he came to her for the first time after they had made Peter their Secret Keeper, it was pitch black in their tiny little bedroom and she felt cold arms wrap around her waist and he buried his face in her hair. She could smell the alcohol on his breath and he held her close as his breathing hitched in his chest, he began whispering drunkenly; "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...Lily...I'm...I'm so fucking scared...Make it alright...make it go away..." He was shaking and shivering and she closed her eyes feeling tears of her own slide down her face, but she didn't move. She couldn't bring herself to embrace him, she could no longer heal him...and eventually he drew away, sitting up and she could see his dark reflection in the mirror as he tipped his head back to look up at the ceiling. "I'm sorry." He whispered and she stifled a sob as he stood and left her alone.

The terror refused to leave him and each night, although he started off by sleeping on the sofa, he found himself sat up awake and smoking cigarette after cigarette before sneaking upstairs and curling up in the small chair in the baby's room. He would sit there, listening to Harry's soft breathing and it would calm him somewhat, he found the tightness in his chest ease as long as his son breathed so too could he...

Lily was distant, she barely allowed him to touch her. They slept in separate rooms unless they had guests, they put up a pretence of happiness but when alone Lily would drift away and he could feel everything he had ever known, everything he had been so sure about crash around him...and he was naked and alone in the darkness and Sirius was shacked up with Remus, and he couldn't...he _wouldn't_ go to him. Not again.

Sirius curled up in a corner, the darkness of the room pressing in on him. Remus was gone. He was alone. He smoked one cigarette after another, eyes glued to the wall, he stared at nothing as the night passed, he could feel the emptiness filling him and it hurt. It hurt so badly he could hardly stop himself from screaming...James was with Lily. James had a family. And Remus was gone. Remus...ever the steady, easy natured friend had taken off, finally after months of tension and silent accusations...those brown eyes had slowly darkened until neither of them could even look at each other anymore and he had gone. Sirius shuddered, curling up on the floor, his hair falling over his face and he watched the dawn creeping across the carpet...and all he wanted was James...

And then it happened. Sirius had gone to check up on Peter, he had taken one look at the house; dark and empty and desolate and he had known and he had almost screamed.

The rage. The pain. The darkness...all of it was so painful he wanted to die. He wanted to kill. He wanted to fucking tear the little traitorous, sneaky, _rat _to shreds with his bare hands. He wanted to hear him screaming and crying like Sirius was inside. He wanted him to know a tiny amount of the pure _agony_ he had caused him...

James was gone.

His light had been snuffed out with the ease of a spoken word. And he hated himself. He hated everything. The world was dark and cold and he wanted to die. He wanted it all to _fucking end_...

But there was Harry.

_Always_ Harry...

Harry who looked so much like James, Harry who he loved...Harry who was like second sun and as he stared up at Hogwarts castle for the first time in years with the thirteen year old James at his side he wandered if he could maybe gain at least some tiny portion of that brilliance back...


End file.
